What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 05:42
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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I write beautiful poetry .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I have no regrets .
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What was your most embarrassing and humiliating bare bottom spanking?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I was scared of men, in general
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We all went to grammer schools
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Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot live in the past .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What happen if all of a sudden a movie star decides to quit acting?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She loved him until the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She found it foreign!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Who then, do I blame.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My family never makes their pension either.
What did i know ?
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When she asked me how she looked .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is soul school!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was very sick at this time too.
She was in good health!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She married twice! .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was seconnd youngest,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So whats the point in blame.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I think the readers, may guess!
I will be 64.
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!